You Can Stop Me!

A lifetime of (not) running for office is on the line

   Between my views and who I am as a person, I’m like a minor villain to both sides of the political spectrum. Even so, I have the right to run for office. I’ve decided that I will make it possible for someone to KEEP me from ever running for any public office in my lifetime in exchange for the small consideration of one million dollars. 

     Why would the left dislike me? Well I’m a healthy, over-educated, native-english-speaking, white, happily-married, heterosexual, cisgendered, middle-aged, white man with a law degree. Except for the fact that I was not born into wealth, I have pretty much every kind of privilege there is. In other words, I’m not only about the least interesting and least-original type of person liberals could put up for election, I’m a poor representative of the type of variety and diversity that the progressive community deserves to have represented.
    Why would the right dislike me? Well I’m an anti-gun, pro-immigrant, pro-ceasefire, feminist, LGBTQIA+ ally with a homemade Black Lives Matter sign in my front yard. Tack on the fact that I’m a straight middle-aged white man with a law degree and it becomes clear that I might just be an approachable, electable individual with views they abhor and don’t want mentioned in public, much less promulgated by politicians.
Why would someone in the political center care? Well my beliefs match the left even if I LOOK and sound like the candidates on the right - That means that I don’t espouse centrist ideals, but those factors might sway swing voters when comparing me to other candidates… that means I’m a danger to the middle no matter how you slice it!

     Guess what! I will happily refuse my right to run for ANY public office (from president of the USA to county water commissioner) ever in my ENTIRE LIFETIME in exchange for one million dollars. With estimates being around $10 BILLION to be spent just in 2024 alone on political ads and marketing, a measly million to ensure a lifetime of no politics from the likes of me is one heck of a good deal.
     Plus, just think of the publicity this will get! You’ll have more than a million-worth in news coverage, blog posts, social content and ascerbic late night talkshow host monologues on TOP of the fact that you’ll never have to worry about me joining the political sphere.

     Heck, for that matter, I’m happy to add a clause saying that if I ever wanted to run for office after all, I’d have to pay you TWENTY million dollars to get out of the contract. So maybe you have an ideological bent and the resources to make sure I don’t sully the political landscape, or maybe you like making large wagers faced with the odds that a white man of a certain age and ilk eventually decides he just HAS TO get into politics…
But no matter your motivation, I’d love to trade my right to run for office for your one million dollars. Let’s talk!