You Can Stop Me, Conservatives!

You can prevent a liberal extremist from ever running for office!

My views are indisputably on the political left, but I also look an awful lot like the status quo, and I have the right to run for office. I’ve decided that I will make it possible for someone to prevent me from ever running for any public office in my lifetime in exchange for the small consideration of one million dollars.

I’m an anti-gun, pro-immigrant, pro-ceasefire, feminist, LGBTQIA+ ally with a homemade Black Lives Matter sign in my front yard. But I’m also a happily-married, straight middle-aged white man with a law degree… so when it comes to questions of electability, I’m someone swing voters are more likely to find easier to wrap their head around than someone who looks and sounds less like how politicians have looked and sounded for decades. In other words I’m an individual with views you hate enough that you don’t want them mentioned in public, much less promoted by politicians - and someone who matches the stereotypical image of a career politician enough to be a potential threat to the right.

Guess what! I will happily refuse my right to run for ANY public office (from president of the USA to county water commissioner) ever - in my ENTIRE LIFETIME - in exchange for one million dollars. Conservative PACs and super PACs are happily spending tens of millions of dollars every month - in 2024 alone - to support conservative candidates and values, so a measly million to ensure a lifetime of not having to deal with the likes of me in a political race is one heck of a good deal.
Plus, just think of the publicity this will get! You’ll have more than your million’s-worth in news coverage, blog posts, social content and late-night talkshow host monologues. Everyone will know that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to hold off the left - even if you have to do it one liberal at a time. You’ll be a hero in the GOP!

Heck, for that matter, I’m happy to add a clause saying that if I ever wanted to run for office after all, I’d have to pay you TWENTY million dollars to get out of our contract. So if I DID eventually decide I couldn’t resist running for public office I’d not only have to come up with massive funding to even try, but you’d be able to use that very money to oppose me (or just take it to the bank and shrug off my candidacy)! So maybe you like the odds that someone like me won’t be able to resist the pull of the political world and you can already visualize that $20MM in your account, or maybe you hate my guts because I believe that abortion is healthcare and that black lives matter and that trans women are women and trans men are men and that marriage equality is crucial and that respecting people’s pronouns is important and that originalist constitutional interpretation is dumb and…
No matter your reasons, I’d love to trade my right to run for office for your one million dollars. You can stop me! Let’s talk!