You Can Stop Me, Progressives!

A cishet white man’s future candidacy is up for grabs!

     My views are 100% squarely on the left, and I have the right to run for office. But even if our views are exactly identical, who I am as a person sure LOOKS like the establishment that progressives are working to defeat. I’ve decided that I will make it possible to KEEP me from ever running for any public office in my lifetime in exchange for the small consideration of one million dollars. 

     What do I mean when I say I look like the establishment? I’m a healthy, over-educated, native-english-speaking, white, happily-married, heterosexual, cisgendered, middle-aged, white man with a law degree. Except for the fact that I was not born into wealth, I have pretty much every kind of privilege there is. In other words, I’m not only about the least interesting and least-original type of person that could run in an election, I’m a poor example of the diversity that the progressive community deserves to have in its representation. It’s hard to believe I care about representing the under-represented if I’m basically the spitting image of the status-quo. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, right?

     Well guess what! I will happily refuse my right to run for ANY public office (from president of the USA to county water commissioner) ever in my ENTIRE LIFETIME in exchange for one million dollars. With Billions-with-a-B in spending on political ads for and against candidates and ideals - just in 2024 alone - a measly million to ensure candidates who better represent the myriad faces of our communities than the likes of me is one heck of a good deal.
     Plus, just think of the publicity this will get! You’ll have more than a million’s-worth in news coverage, blog posts, social content and acerbic late night talkshow host monologues. Plus there will be one less shining example of the heteronormative patriarchy you’ll have to worry about in future elections!

     Heck, for that matter, I’m happy to add a clause saying that if I ever wanted to run for office after all, I’d have to pay you TWENTY million dollars to get out of the contract. That way, if ever I decided I couldn’t resist any longer and just HAD to run for office, I’d have to have that kind of funding to give it a go - and then YOU’d have funding to oppose me or to support a different candidate or to simply put toward humanitarian nonprofit efforts. So whether you think taking one more milquetoast goob out of the political sphere is worth it, or you look at the odds that I’ll want out of the contract and you’ll have 20x return on your money to put toward making the world a better place…
I’d love to trade my right to run for office for your one million dollars. You can stop me! Let’s talk!